Sanctification in Marriage // A Great Talk

My husband and I are currently listening to a great sermon on the sanctification in marriage by Matt Chandler of The Village Church in Dallas, TX ... yes, a very hot and exciting Friday night :) (It is actually.) But as we listen to this ... it's based on 1 Peter 3, a chapter of scripture that we've visited a lot on Mark of Beauty, and man does he hit it on the mark!

If you're married or not, this is well worth your time! Enjoy: http://hv.thevillagechurch.net/resource_files/audio/200910251115HWC21ASAAA_MattChandler_ThePathPt07-SanctificationInMarriage.mp3

Excuses For Not Pursuing God's Call

As I mentioned last week, I am slowly working through Womanly Dominion. In chapter 3, Chanski looks at how the great Deceiver convinces us to blame circumstance, genetics, our husbands, etc. for not allowing us to pursue God's calling in our lives. In this chapter, he quotes Nancy Leigh DeMoss quite frequently from her book, Lies Woman Believe, a book that Anna referenced a few months ago. As Anna elaborated on Biblical Womanhood of the Home yesterday, and mentioned God's design for women, it made me think of this point that Chanski reiterates here.

In Chanski's argument against being a 'marital victim,' blaming your husband or lack of having a husband for your inability to "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the sky and over every living thing that moves on the earth...," (obviously you need a husband to "be fruitful and multiply," but that's beside the point here) he says this:

It's not time to fixate on a husband's duties, but on a wife's. The Serpent points fingers at others, blaming them. The Savior presses us each with our own personal responsibility. "Peter therefore seeing him said to Jesus, 'Lord, and what about this man?' Jesus said to him, 'If I want him to remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow Me!'" (John 21:21-22)

Our responsibility, married or not, is to first and foremost FOLLOW JESUS. Not our husband or the ideal of having a husband. If we have been blessed to have a husband that follows Jesus first and dies to himself to make us thrive; our job is much easier because we have a vibrant example of this right beside us; and I have to say that I am exceedingly blessed to have a husband that tries to live life like this. But if you're not in this situation, although it's difficult for me to say this, Chanski and DeMoss show us in scripture that we can't use this as an excuse to NOT pursue Jesus and follow his commands for our lives. It is up to the Lord to change our husbands, not us, and as we are obedient, God can choose to use us to show Himself to our husbands. (We see truth of this in 1 Peter 3:1.)

For the married ladies out there, Chanski and DeMoss point us to Proverbs 31:10-31 as a beautiful example of what it looks like to put Jesus first, embrace the role as helper and discover the blessings that the Lord has for our obedience. And then Chanski says this, "Stop blaming your man, and start helping him!" (I talked about this a few months ago in my exploration of what it means to be a helper.)

For you single ladies out there, here's what DeMoss says about using the 'marital victim' card:

Lie #21. I have to have a husband to be happy. The truth is that the ultimate purpose of marriage is not to make us happy. Women who get married for the purpose of finding happiness are setting themselves up for almost certain disappointment; they seldom find what they are looking for.... The truth is that happiness is not found in (or out of) marriage; it is not found in any human relationship. True joy can only be found through Christ.

And this is something new to me, but DeMoss herself is nearly fifty and she is not married! What insight she has on what it means to be a godly woman and uphold godly marriage!

Chanski reminds us of Phillipians 4:11b, 19: "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.. And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus."

So, regardless if we're married or not, we cannot continue to use the 'marital victim' card as an excuse to sit and mope in our situation. We must use everything that God has given us (talents, singleness, husbands, children, wealth, influence, etc.) to make Jesus known. God obviously doesn't NEED us to proclaim His name and make His Son known, but He commands us to do it in response to the overflow of joy we receive from knowing Him. And really, our response to Jesus' gift of grace shouldn't be anything less!

Fighting For Our Marriages

Marriage was created and ordained by God, and is a beautiful thing. But our culture shows us the opposite: A lifestyle of 'convenient' cohabitation and self-fulfillment. My natural hunch would say that the divorce rate is higher than ever, but according to a recent USA Today blog post, the divorce rate is actually at its lowest since 1970. However, The State of our Unions 2005, from a 2005 USA Today article on the subject, says it’s not because marriages are getting any better, but rather people are just choosing not to get married. How sad! So with this news and the dismay to hear about the state of Jon & Kate’s marriage on Jon & Kate Plus 8, I want to go through scripture and see what God DOES say about marriage and why it’s worth fighting for.

I originally started thinking about this with the recent buzz surrounding the season premiere of Jon & Kate Plus 8. (I’ve been a fan for a while, but I am saddened by their talk of divorce and as “believers,” I’m struck that they’re not fighting for their marriage!)

So, here’s my question: What does God say about marriage and why is it worth fighting for?

1. God Created Marriage
When we look at scripture, we see from the beginning that God created man in his own image (Genesis 1:27) and that he also created a helper for him, woman, from Adam’s very own flesh (2:23), because God said, “… it is not good for man to be alone.” (2:18) And immediately after God created Eve, he brought her to Adam, and Adam said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” And through this creation, God established the first marriage covenant and what we know today as marriage: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” (2:23).

From this very first instance of marriage, we see its true beauty and God’s intent for it … that a man and woman would unit together as ONE FLESH … “they are no longer two but one” (Mark 10:6) … that they would relinquish their individualism and become ONE for the glory of God. (Not that we lose our self in marriage, but we assume the identity of the couple, strengths and weaknesses, and our identity as individuals and as a couple becomes even greater.) And the beauty that we see in this oneness is such a wonderful, physical depiction of the unity of God.

And when we look at what Adam says above, “… bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh,” I wonder if this sets up the “boundaries” for marriage between a husband and wife that we see in 1 Corinthians 7:4: “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife”? Thoughts?

2. God is Glorified in Marriage
All of creation points to the majesty of God and glorifies him as Creator (1 Chronicles 29:11, Psalms 19:1b), and since God created marriage, he designed it to point to Himself and that it would bring Him glory. Albert Mohler has this to say:

According to the Bible, marriage is not only designed by the Creator as an arena for human happiness and the continuation of the human race--it is also the arena of God's glory, where the delights and disciplines of marriage point to the purpose for which human beings were made…. The exclusivity and purity of the marriage bond points to the exclusivity and purity of the relationship between Christ and His church.

Mohler also mentions this wisdom from Tertullian, one of the early church fathers:

How beautiful, then, the marriage of two Christians, two who are one in home, one in desire, one in the way of life they follow, one in the religion they practice . . . Nothing divides them either in flesh or in spirit . . . They pray together, they worship together, they fast together; instructing one another, encouraging one another, strengthening one another. Side by side they visit God's church and partake God's banquet, side by side they face difficulties and persecution, share their consolations. They have no secrets from one another; they never shun each other's company; they never bring sorrow to each other's hearts . . . Seeing this Christ rejoices. To such as these He gives His peace. Where there are two together, there also He is present.

3. Marriage = Protection
God created the union of marriage for our own good … “it’s not good for man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). Paul also mentions it in 1 Corinthians 7:1-2, when he says, “It is good for a man NOT (emphasis added) to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.” We see here that God created marriage to protect us from immorality. What a blessing!

4. Marriage is a Blessing from God
Proverbs just oozes godly wisdom and when we see what it has to say about marriage it includes countless verses that warn us against immorality in marriage, and sings words of praise for those who place God as the head of their marriage; declaring blessing, rejoicing, goodness and God's favor:

Proverbs 5:18: "May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth."
Proverbs 18:22: "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD."

The first verse above also suggests that part of God's blessing in marriage is life-long companionship ... "the wife of your youth." And for those who fear the Lord, Psalm 128 promises much fruitfulness:

Blessed are all who fear the LORD, who walk in his ways. 2 You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours. 3 Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your sons will be like olive shoots around your table. 4 Thus is the man blessed who fears the LORD. 5 May the LORD bless you from Zion all the days of your life; may you see the prosperity of Jerusalem, 6 and may you live to see your children's children. Peace be upon Israel.

Blessing is also given to us through sex ... yes, sex is a blessing from God! (Tyler Jones, lead pastor of Vintage21 Church, has a good sermon on this topic.) Here are the 6 facets that he deems God designed sex for:

1. Knowledge
2. Communication
3. Fun
4. Release
5. Procreation
6. Sign Post to the Glory of God

(This may not be worded for word, but you get the general idea. Listen to the sermon for great explanation of these facets.)

5. God States that Marriage Should be Honored By All
(Hebrews 13:4) Even by the husband and wife in the marriage!

6. God Tells Us to Fight For Marriage
This command comes to us from Colossians 3:23. I’ve read over this verse many times in my life and have labored over it, but until recently, I hadn’t equated it directly with my marriage. Not that I’m not laboring over my marriage, but I just didn’t make the obvious connection. But what a perfect place in scripture for God to insert this verse (you’d think God was all-knowing or something :) … for the verse I'm talking about shows up just after Paul explains a husband and wife's role in marriage! So, when God created marriage, He knew that it wasn’t something that was going to come easy, especially when it involves the mingling of two sinful lives … and he specifically tells us to “work at it with all of our heart, as working for the Lord, not for men” … this means that we're not even working for our marriage solely for our spouse, but for the God of the universe! So, when we choose to obey this command, we can’t just give a blind-eye to our marriages and labor well over our careers, motherhood, and friendships, but we HAVE to labor well over our MARRIAGES too because God commands us to!

And when I say fight, I don’t mean just when times get tough, but EVERY DAY! If we “fight” for our marriages every day, I believe we’ll have more healthy and god-honoring marriages for the course of our lifetime. And when I say “fight,” I mean that we:

1. Work at our marriages with all of our heart
2. Pray like crazy
3. Learn everything there is to know in scripture about marriage and what it means to be godly women that glorify God with our lives and then PRACTICE it
4. Die to ourselves, submit to God and submit to our husbands as we honor, love and respect them with our entire beings!
   

This certainly doesn't sound very easy. At times, the easy route would certainly be to just opt-out of marriage (hence, that's why divorce is such a nonchalant topic in our society), but God's call is much higher and greater than that. There is life in the words above and there is peace and strength there to continue on. Let's grab a hold of these words in Isaiah 40:28-31 and FIGHT:

28 Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. 29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. 30 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; 31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

A Critique of The Women

About a month or so ago when my husband was out of town, I decided to treat myself to a good 'ole chick flick after the youngster was in bed. I'm not really up on the latest chick flicks these days, so when I browsed through my options on Red Box, I chose The Women, which came out late 2008 and was apparently a re-make of the original from 1939 and an earlier Broadway hit. (I didn't know that at the time.) But with Meg Ryan, Annette Bening, Eva Mendes and a brief appearance of Bett Midler, I thought it would be fairly entertaining.

While it was entertaining, my mind swarmed of all the truths that I have been learning lately about what it means to be a godly woman. (I'm sure that if I really thought about it, most films today would contradict that truth, but this one particularly bothered me.) Not necessarily because of the gossip, lying and cheating that took place (not to downplay those issues), but the real winner that hit home for me was how Meg Ryan's character (Mary Heines) viewed her marriage and how she reacted to adversity in that marriage.

In the film, she was apparently the "stable" one -- the one with the rich husband, the nice house, the daughter, the nanny and the housekeeper. And in the middle of all of that, she held a pretty high-up position in her father's fashion design company. But when she found out that her husband was cheating on her, she began to question everything that she had done for the past 15+ years of marriage. Why did she do everything for her family, instead of herself? (At the beginning of the movie, she is portrayed as a frumpy wife who gets walked all over and has no backbone.) Why did she need a man in her life to feel 'secure'? And by the end of the film, we see her transform into a "successful", independent woman, who wins her husband back. And the defining moment for her is when her husband apologizes and asks her to come back, and her response is, "If you can live with the new me and support my new life." (not exact words, but you get the point.) And when she takes him back, her friends praise her for standing her ground and becoming the independent, successful woman that she had become. In fact, part of the movie summary says that the film depicts "what it means to be a today's woman." This is what made me think about everything that I have been learning, and how our culture, in many ways, advocates the exact opposite.

There are many things I could critique about this film and how it's not biblical, but I'm not going to do that. I just want to briefly touch on how a biblical woman should live life differently than Mary Heines in this film according to a few things I've been reading lately.

Contrary to culture, a woman can have much joy from serving her family and loving and supporting her husband (we see this in Proverbs 31:28, 31), even when it's God's command for us ... it doesn't have to be a chore and it's not something that causes us to loose our identity, but rather gain a greater identity in the union of marriage as "one flesh" (Genesis 2:24).

However, if we're not careful, we can allow this part of our role -- serving our families and loving and supporting our husbands -- to become a chore if we do not constantly look to Jesus for his example, strength and renewal. Ephesians 4:20-24 speaks well about this:

²⁰You, however, did not come to know Christ that way. [Speaking of the hardening of hearts that the Gentiles experienced.] ²¹Surely you heard of him and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. ²²You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; ²³to be made new in the attitude of your minds; ²⁴and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

It's interesting, when I read this recently, I realized that this is the section of scripture right before Ephesians 5 (duh) and the directives about submission. (For some reason, I never put the two chapters together.) And if we realize the truth in Ephesians 4:22-24, we will realize the new self that we are in Jesus and forgo the ways of our old self (see also Romans 6:6), including the tendencies to do what is in our best interest and what we want (the example we see in the film) ... but what God wants for us, our husbands, our marriages -- true righteousness and holiness. (This is the beautiful part ... when we live a life as our new self, the idea of submission seems much more feasible, and that's how God designed it! Hence, that's why chapter 4 comes before 5 :).

This is very contrary to what was depicted in the film and the film is a fantastic example of what happens when we allow our "... old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires, ..." to manifest and be our way of life. And I find that when this is true of me, I need to proclaim the truth of 2 Corinthians 10:5b and "... take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

Second, if we look at Proverbs 31, we see very tangible examples of life contrary to The Women - a life that gives us an opportunity to bear much fruit and glorify God:

1. Her husband has full confidence in her (vs. 11)
   
2. She does her husband good not harm (vs. 12)
   
3. She is a good steward of the money her husband gives her and increases its gain
4. She labors over her household to make it a "nice" home (vs. 17, 27)
   
5. She speaks the promises of God to her husband and uplifts him (vs. 26)
   
6. She is not idle and labors over her marriage (vs. 26, 27)

There is obviously a lot more to unpack from Proverbs 31, but I think this is what is most pertinent to this critique.

Finally, my intent is not to bash this movie or convince you not to see ... it's simply just to communicate my frustrations with the examples of womanhood that our culture gives us and to combat those examples with biblical truth -- the truth that I'm gradually learning and that I yearn with all my being to make a reality in my life, even though I fail miserable day after day after day.